It should come as no surprise that it took me 3 weeks (7 attempted flights, and way way more flights that ended up not opening any seats) to even be able to get over here to the grand US of A. Unfortunately, that apparently was only the beginning of my travel woes.
Long story short, I was in Wichita for a couple of weeks and planned on flying to Spokane to visit Doug, whom I haven't seen in 2 months. So excited, right? Right.
So I'm sitting in the terminal waiting to board the first flight to Minneapolis and the lovely lady comes across the speakers saying our airplane is broken and it may not be able to go. Right then and there I wanted to stand up and apologize to everyone else on the flight that I was riding on their airplane. It's my fault the flaps are broken.
Flaps are important, people. I'm a pilot's wife. I know these things. I've also seen countless episodes of Air Crash Investigations --- or Mayday for my Canadian friends or Air Emergency or Air Disasters for my American friends. I urge you to check this show out. It makes you feel like you're going to crash at all times while your flying. It's fabulous. I've seriously considered investing in adult diapers for my flying experiences these days. Just sayin'.
Anyway, the very nice lady that gave us that announcement helped me see if there were other flights leaving Wichita that day so I could go find my long lost husband. But alas, it was not meant to be. But she said I was so sweet that she would put me in first class for the Minneapolis to Spokane leg the next day. Score! I'll take it.
Mom drove about 45 minutes back to the airport to get super posh daughter. Sorry, Mom. But thanks for the Sonic. Score again!
That night I did some research on how I should behave in first class. Man was I nervous. I could use all the help I could get, and thanks to my awesome friends and family I got all the info I'd ever need.
1. Say in my best rich person voice, "Bring me the head of a pig". - credit goes to Kristin
2. Immediately pull out my laptop and look busy when everyone else boards so they think I'm making money right NOW. - credit goes to Kristin and Liz
3. Don't look like a scrub. - credit goes to lots of advice online. I don't think scrub was used in that advice, but that's my paraphrase.
4. Bathe - credit goes to myself. Sometimes my smartness amazes me.
5. Appear to know what I'm doing. - credit goes to myself, thus the reason I was researching.
6. Don't wear flip-flops because apparently people will look down on me if I do. - credit goes to random man on message board who thinks people who wear flip-flops are "low rent" --- including his wife. Jerk.
7. Shout obscenities and throw bodily fluids. - credit goes to Nick and Liz
8. Use my newly acquired British accent. - credit goes to Katie
9. Speak French. - credit goes to Liz (all I really know is oui which would really go right along with the throwing bodily fluids around)
10. Bring your own colorful and fringed shawl/blankey thing - using the blanket the airline provides is so pedestrian. I believe rich people call them pashminas. - credit goes to Lindsay
11. Wear giant sunglasses at all times. - credit goes to Lindsay and Andy
12. Take an excessively long time to put your luggage in the overhead compartment thereby holding up the rest of the passengers waiting to board. - credit goes to Lindsay
13. Look really disinterested in anything. - credit goes to Matt
14. Ask for Grey Poupon. - credit goes to Megan
15. Walk in like you own it. - credit goes to Nick
16. Carry my Coach bag. - credit goes to Hallie
17. If you have to write anything, use apostrophes correctly. It shows you are educated. - credit goes to Janel
18. Order a glass of wine to enjoy while others board. - credit goes to Shaun and Kathee
19. Where a big, fancy hat. - credit goes to Chris
20. Little Finger Up while sipping is a key. - credit goes to John
Who wouldn't be ready for first class with a list like that?!? Feel free to borrow these tips, all my fancy friends.
Thankfully the following day my flight took off. On a different plane that had flaps that worked. Flaps are important.
I get to Minneapolis and choose not to eat a meal because I'm riding in first class, therefore I will be receiving a head of a pig for my dinner. I settled on a little snack of an egg roll...and maybe a piece of fudge from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (they had a military discount, I couldn't help myself).
Boarding time came and right before they call first class to board my name popped up on upgrade screen. I was already assigned to seat 2C how much more could I be upgraded? First row? Pilot? There was no time to go up to the desk because they immediately called boarding so I just decided to wait til' they scanned my boarding pass to find out what I was so lucky to upgrade to. My boarding pass gets scanned and the machine prints out a piece of paper and the lady hands it to me and says, "Here's your new seat!" Sweet. 5D. Nothing too weird. 5D still sounds like first class so I'm still flying high. Then I get on the plane and look at the seats....
5D is not first class. 5D is the first row of coach. Did I not study hard enough for first class? Did I stink? Did I smell of inferiority? I was wearing flip-flops --- that had to be it. I was "low rent".
I thought, "Well, maybe they have extended first class an extra row." Then all the people in front of me got served drinks. The flight attendant didn't even look in my direction. My world started to cave in around me.
Once we took off I knew my dream was not going to happen because this happened.
They shut the "curtain". Not just any curtain. A curtain you can see through. It screams, "You're blocked out of this world, but you can still see into it. Sucker." Worst seat ever.
I sat there and watched as they were handed, with oversized tweezers (the flight attendant musn't touch the first class person), warm washrags to blot their travel-weary faces. WHAT ABOUT MY TRAVEL WEARY FACE?!?
I sat there and watched each person get a cloth placemat laid out in front of them. I MAKE MESSES TOO!!
I sat there and watched them get served steak, salad, and dessert on glass dishes. I'M HUNGRY!! I'M LIVING OFF OF A COLD EGGROLL SERVED IN A PAPER TRAY.
I sat there and watched them sprinkle salt and pepper out of their very own porcelain salt and pepper shakers. RUBBING SALT IN MY WOUND, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I sat there and watched them drink out of crystallike glasses for the rest of the flight. PLASTIC FLIMSY GLASSES, THAT'S WHAT I'M DRINKING OUT OF AND IF THE TWO TODDLERS BEHIND ME THAT ARE SCREAMING AND KICKING MY CHAIR DON'T STOP I'M GOING TO ACCIDENTALLY SPILL MY PLASTIC, FLIMSY DRINK OVER THE BACK OF MY CHAIR.
I sat there and watched them cuddle up with their blankets and pillows for a lovely midflight nap. I'M SO COLD. STUPID FLIP-FLOPS.
Thankfully they didn't have inflight entertainment...that would've been it.
I was sitting next to an army chaplain and I felt like I needed to confess my first class lust at the end of the flight. I'm not Catholic and I'm pretty sure he wasn't either, but I still felt like I needed to. I didn't. I was too ashamed. I confessed to my husband later.
And he laughed at me.
Then I showed him what I found in the in-flight magazine, while I was trying to ignore what was happening in front of me, that I'm gonna buy him for his birthday.
Who's laughing now?!? Our Christmas cards are gonna be adorable.
