I Kill Everything...In the Plant World

I want to plant pansies. I saw some pansies today while at Dillons (my 2nd stop to get items to make Doug feel better) and thought to myself, "Self, you should get some pansies and plant them!"

I thought back, "Well, self, that sounds splendid except for one small detail...you KILL all things that are alive and in your possession."

It's true. I do. I kill all plants that come even close to being in my permanent (or not so permanent) possession. It's a very sad, sad truth. This has also been the case for animals in my possession. They are okay at mom and dad's (as are plants), but when they come and live in my house they start dropping like flies. Even flies drop in my presence. In college (my last 2 years) I had a fish and a lizard...they died exactly 1 year apart...to the day. In my first 2 years of teaching I had another fish, a rat, and 2 guinea pigs. I'll admit I thought I had killed the fish and then I went to dump him in the toilet at school and he amazingly tried to jump out of the toilet. I felt pretty bad about that. The rat didn't even last a full 7 days in my class (the standing record). He was loved by all. I carried him around while I did a spelling test that week...all the kids did very well. I still think that rat was killed by the janitor. Conspiracy I say. The guinea pigs are my closest success story. I got rid of them before they died...thankfully before they produced 17 more guinea pigs right in front of 7 and 8-year-olds' eyes.

We won't even go into the plant thing. I've killed them all that's all there is to it. Even the stuff that just sits in a jar and grows...killed it. Flowers in little flower pots...killed them. I plant seeds...they don't even peek out of the dirt. They know death is coming so they don't even try. They probably die as soon as I pick up the packet of seeds. I put them in full sun...they croak. I put them in partial sun...they whither away. I even tried that thing called watering...doesn't really work for me. Been there, done that.

Now, the good thing is that it appears that, so far, I have been successful on the human front. I've been on my own for several years...here I am typing away. I have taught children for 4 years...no problems there. I even got myself a husband. He's been with me for 4 months with no ill effects...except that he's had a 102 degree temp for the past couple of days...but that's not the point! He is sleeping in the next room...therefore my ill luck with plants doesn't seem to be wearing off on him! Chalk one up for me.

Now, as for this pansy hankering I have. I suppose I can give it a shot. Maybe I just needed to be married to make it work. We even got a pot for our wedding (at least that's what we think it is...no, really we had to stop and think it about it when we got it...). I think it's a sign. Maybe it's a magic pot that will block out all of my bad flowering growing juice. Maybe it will be the object that will neutralize my black thumb of death.

I'll let you know. Until then, I'll be buying bouquets of pretty flowers that are expected to die...no matter who touches them.