Nightmares

How is it that healing takes a really really long time sometimes?

May 4, 2007 was a devastating day for a whole town in Kansas. The day that Greensburg was completely taken out. Peoples' lives were completely flipped upside down.

That same night, my life flipped upside down in a whole different way...and to this day I still have nightmares. In fact, I had one last night. I was so excited because I hadn't had one in probably a month or maybe even two, and had actually had a brief thought late last week that it had been quite a while since I'd had one...then last night happened. I woke up in a cold sweat and my heart racing. I hate it.

I thought back in 2007 that I was in God's will, yet at the same time I knew I wasn't...I really have no idea how to explain it except that I was one confused lady...obviously, based on that description! One day I was going about life as normal, had a new job, was moving back to be closer to home, and then Bam! the next day I was on a rollercoaster in a tunnel and I didn't feel like I could ever figure out what was going on or what was going to happen next. All I knew was I was stuck on this ride and was never gonna be able to get off.

Over the course of the next 3 months my heart got shredded. I don't think I compare the emotional pain to anything I have EVER felt before or since. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I lost sight of what life was supposed to be like. I lost sight of what God really wanted. I think I knew for a while that what was going on was not what God wanted, but I really felt like I had no idea how to fix it. Like I had made my bed and now I was going to lie in it.

Somehow those 3 months are a blur and yet I have flashbacks of details that hit me randomly. Somehow God brought me out of that weird fog and right back to Him and I know He has forgiven me for not listening, but I've discovered that the hardest thing is forgiving myself. I think I do pretty well most of the time, but then the nightmares hit and I don't know where they come from. I thought once we moved I wouldn't see familiar vehicles, locations, or people so it would all go away, but it hasn't. I think since moving I've had to actually face more of the guilt than before because I've been starting all over. I've had a lot more time on my own than ever before and so I've had to deal with stuff that I didn't deal with in the past.

Obviously Satan knows my weak spots and likes to point out, "You are such an idiot! Look what you did 4 years ago! What were you thinking?!?" I often times let my guard down by not spending time in the Word or praying like I should, and that's exactly when Satan decides to take advantage. Why do I never learn?!?

God has brought me a very very long way since 2007. I have the best husband in the entire world. He treats me with respect. He shows that he loves me physically, mentally, emotionally...He actually wants to be associated with me in public, he says loving things to me, he prays for me, he financially takes care of me...I am blessed. I don't deserve any of it, yet God decided to bless me with this man.

This year I refuse to live in bondage over my past. Yes, I wish I could go back and change May 4, 2007. I wish the people in Greensburg didn't have to go through the pain of losing everything that night. I wish I would've sought more of God's guidance to prevent the next three months. I can wish all I want though, but it's happened, and just as the people in a tornado ridden town have to rebuild so do I.

Here's hoping for no more nightmares...and if I do, I refuse to dwell on it and feel guilty or ridden with fear. Instead I will rebuke Satan in the name of Jesus, hold onto my joy that He has brought me to where I am today, and go back to sleep peacefully in His arms.