Blind as a Bat

I got to go to the eye doctor today. Notice I say "got". I'm trying to think positively. I hate going to the eye doctor. I probably hate it more than any other doctor out there. So far. I even had a skin biopsy this week which involved sharp objects and stitches. I was dreading the eye doctor more than the sharp objects and stitches.

I have very bad eyes. I don't remember what it is like to wake up in the morning and be able to see stuff besides blurred images. I don't know what my husband looks like when he wakes up. I'm sure he looks totally hot though. Don't we all when we wake up? He probably wishes he had my eyesight when he wakes up in the morning and sees me.

Anyway, I asked my eye doctor (who was a stand-in for my doctor who is currently on maternity leave) what my vision was. Like, I know it's not 20/20. He couldn't tell me. I had my contacts out when I asked him this question so I was talking to a blurred object that was moving around in front of me...about 5 feet in front of me...okay, more like 3 feet. I had a Mary Ingalls moment, except my eyes aren't that pretty blue and I wasn't wearing a prairie girl dress, but I did want to reach out in front of me and touch his face. Not in a weird way though. In a blind way.

The blurry, moving object, with a man voice also told me I would probably be a good candidate for LASIK eye surgery as long as my cornea is thick enough and my pupils aren't as big as baseballs when the lights are out. So, if you would like to donate to the cause it costs a mere $2500 an eye. You can make the check out to me. Or I'd take $300 an eye and go to Mexico if need be. Maybe that would be a bad life choice though.

Anyway, on with my story, the blurry object, with a man voice told me he was going to tell his assistant to get me some new contacts (for free!) and she was going to explain about my new contact solution. It's fancier than my old stuff and has less preservatives apparently. So, blurry object with a man voice was soon replaced with a shorter blurry object, with a woman voice. She handed me two new contacts. Thankfully I aimed my hand right and grabbed them without missing.

Now my prescription for contacts is -6.5. For those of you peculiar lucky people out there with perfect 20/20 eyes this means I can't see squat pretty much without contacts or glasses. Everything is completely blurry like I've mentioned before. The blurry object with a woman voice had gotten the contacts for me so surely she comprehends that I have no idea what she looks like let alone what the blurry stuff in her hand is (at least I think that's her hand).  The blurry object with a woman voice starts explaining how to use the new contact solution saying things and pointing to things.

BOWAWV: Now, you're going to put your contacts in this little contraption.
*holds contraption in air...I think*

Me: *thinking* Can't see. *saying* Okay
*fumbling to open the new contacts in my lap*

BOWAWV: Then you're going to squirt the solution up to this line.
*point to alleged line...I assume*

Me: *still thinking* Still can't see, lady! *saying* MmmHmm
*struggling with new contacts that I'm currently feeling for in the package*

BOWAWV: You can see how the lid with the contacts will then fit into container with the contact solution.
*puts lid on...maybe."

Me: *thinking* Has she worked with people who are blind before?! *saying* Ahhh, I see!
*finally wrangle a contact and slip it into my right eye*

BOWAWV: Now, I'll put it all back in the box for you and you're good to go!
*puts it in box...I know cuz I'm looking at her with one eye open and one eye shut*

Me: *thinking* Dang it, I missed the show. Hope I can figure out how to soak my contacts tonight correctly. *saying* Thanks!
*attempts to start on the next contact*

Good thing there are directions on the back of the box just in case I couldn't see anything that she was doing.